Today, I'm writing a letter. A letter to a boy. Filled with all the things I wish I'd done, I wish he'd done and the things I wish we could say, face to face. Feel free to gag at any point, this may get a bit cringey.
First of all, hi. It's been nearly six months since I've said that to your face. I'm going to start back at the beginning. When it really began. On that sunny beach where we played hurling for what felt like forever. We didn't talk too much but I was doing all of that in my head, were you doing that too?
Every pass of the ball like a message in itself. I knew so little about you then only that you lived far away from me.
Then, like little school children, one of the girls asked you to shift me. Such a vigorous word, 'shift'. But through the grapevine I heard back that it was a yes. Then the real attraction began and all the things that come with liking someone else. I was already thinking about the final céilí and how we'd spend the night together, hand in hand. I was expecting you to ask me to dance before then though, but you didn't. Why didn't you? When I saw you ask that girl to dance, you kind of tore my heart the tiniest bit. Does he not like me anymore? Was it all just a joke? So yet again there was poor me, led to believe in fantasies that just weren't going to happen.
But then the final céilí came. I was set to avoid you throughout the night. You would hang out with your cool friends and I would dance with whoever, pretending like I didn't care, but I did. The girls didn't understand. They thought that you dancing with another girl was just a speed bump and that I should shift him anyway. I told them no and I thought they'd forget, but they didn't. Next thing I know they're walking over to me with you stuck firmly between them, like a prized possesion that they were now offering up to me. I took one look at you and all the bitterness melted away. You took me in your arms and led me to the wall. We kissed. It was nice. Then we talked, well I talked mostly, you seemed a little shy. Were you nervous? Then we kissed again, talked again, kissed again. Then out of no where you asked me to dance with you. This sudden courageousness took me by surprise but I said yes none the less. We slow danced to Coldplay's 'Fix You' and I really thought that you could fix me in that moment, with your arms wrapped safely around me, protecting me. You offered me your hand and led me outside. We talked. The rest of the night is a blur. I danced with my friends and at the end of the night you hugged me goodbye. That was the last time you put your arms around me.
When I got home reality sunk in. You were miles away and you weren't coming back anytime soon, so I took the plunge and started the conversation on Facebook. You were so sweet. Telling me about you and what you were up to. Sure I sent you the first 'x' but from then on it was mostly you. Did them 'x's really mean anything? When we met up in Dublin it was like I was seeing you for the first time again, shy and nervous, but you soon warmed up and you returned to the sweet boy I know you are underneath. But I should have known online conversations wouldn't last. Within two months, things were dying down and although you promised to come visit me, it never happened. Were you even planning to come meet me?
Now all I'm left with are the memories of that night and the conversations after. I'm not exagerating when I say you come into my mind every day. I wish I had some photograph of us together to remember you by, but all I have are these memories that sometimes seem only like dreams. I still imagine that you'll talk to me some day, saying you're sorry you didn't keep in touch, but once again these are just fantasies in my ditsy little mind. I wish I got to know you better. You were so kind and sweet when all the other boys were trying and failing to act 'cool' and I miss that. I miss you.
From your summer fling of 2014,
Thanks for reading this guys, hope you enjoyed it